if i just keep moving ahead into the busy ...

into the crowds, into my next fiery-passion, my next favorite antique shop, my next hobby i chase after, my next temporary absolute favorite band, my next catch-up time with that old friend, my next safety course..my next completion certificate, into those unforeseen-soon-to-be-significant people in my life i strangely meet, into listening to my mentors i keep close, my next punishing crunch, my next favorite pair of new boots, my next mess i re-organize, my next shop-spree with that tasteful friend i have, my next obsession with that Christmas tea, my next accredited position in the business, my next book i tackle, into my next favorite coffee shop, into practicing the cords until i know them in my sleep, into something NEW; but not another like you, to fill that position in my life...i'd rather keep my head down, & avoid those kind of eager eyes thank you very much. 

maybe i should just go sleep.. 

at such a young age

Henry Kilpatrick taught me the love of the accordion 

 

Beruit is my present therapy.

Reminiscing the good days of my once simple, blissful life. 

Where there was no complicated relationships

No death, No regrets, No heartache

Anyone you missed, you could see soon after deciding you miss them

and follow up with cutely hugging it out

Grandpa never taught how to deal with heartbreak before he passed on

i wish he had

i miss you 

i wish i could remember you better now that i'm old

it may be, that i indeed am too strange to find another like me

one to spend late evenings with in low-key tasteful locations; appealing to our fancies

one who would hop in my car, and join with me in not tell anyone where we're going.. and just go, without a care where

one who can lay beside me at night and never say a word; never needing to

one who shares my appreciation for an occasional glass of wine

one who shares dependency on my strange music to be the temporary fix to fill those matching holes in our chests, because we  both know all too well how broken hearted girls like us really are. 

one who would join me on those long winter nights, to share a cup of white Christmas and two bowls of frozen purple grapes

one who dares to wear blood red lipstick, fully aware her full lips can pull it off

her hair having an even wilder mind of its' own which she surrenders to daily

one who is a tree hugger, a animal lover & on rare occasion; a coffee drinker

one who shares an addiction to lip chap, kettle corn & salt

one who's wardrobe reflects our personality,

one who i would call, my best friend.

*this would be us. so classy. 
minus the gross cigarette's..*

i remember those golden moments, when you made me feel like i had them

"nobody gives a f*ck about you, tellya it's a damn shame,
the prettiest eyes in the whole world. 
the same fool in the same game"

*siiiigh* 

i believe the whole snowflake in the hair, is a good look for me. 

Washed Out

if more of us lived like this man

the world would be a better place

i want to always be

plain on the outside, but not on the inside,

authentic,                                                      vulnerable                                                      transparent 

one day you'll see me again

it's the heart's desire of every human being to be loved,
to be highly regarded; to matter - to make a difference 
to have a place they can call home,
to be positively productive, to contribute to this world
to be of some significance to someone(s)
to not be forgotten

now you're truly free of me

with all of my heart i only want your happiness,

i'm sorry the dice have fallen this way
but please know
i'll still admire you, years from this day
&we both know all too well
there is no guaranteeing i will be remembered in your mind,
like you will be in my heart. 
years from this day 


it breaks my heart to see you so broken inside.
i know you're so much stronger than you think

there is a time

a time for mourning

a time for bitterness/anger

a time for healing

and a time for peace

i need to be reminded not to skip any of these times.

for the sake of my future.

my bright and hopeful future. 

i am

stubborn and humorous, like my Gido
vulnerable but most definitely not a saint, like my Baba

quiet, pale & sickly, like my Grandfather
social, loving and a procrastinator, like my Grandmother

Stick Stock

delightfully twisted,

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, hunger, mosquitoes and silly people. 

restless nights

this cold reminds me of certainly not better days, 
of being completely alone 
entwined in the embrace of your arms. 

you're a ten

i'm a joke. 

.. 

No & Yes

no i am not in grade eleven

no i do not still go to this school

yes i am a graduate

yes you are irritating me

yes this conversation is done

I'm being self centered yet again

maybe if i wasn't, 
i wouldn't notice that things don't change all that much 
in the course of a year.

things I'll always remember

the way she walked up to you, & tenderly displayed her young love for you

keep her close, Luke.

right now all I need

is the warmth of a body some body. 

any body

it seems so long ago..

that i remember when it clicked,

when the connection was made

the comparison so vivid in my young eyes

the similarity between you & that character so detailed in the eyes of my book-mind was and i'd assume are still so strong

neither of you will ever understand how greatly it affected me, in making this connection

or even now to this day.

it gives me chills

and brings tears to my eyes.

maybe one day that will be explained to me why this is so.

it's not about the money, money..

lately the news has been filled with the Occupy Wall Street Protests

i respect both sides,

but i don't agree with actions 

of both sides involved

& what's unfortunate,

 is the local tax payers' money spent 

by the government in attempts to stop the protests..

a sickening $13 million & rising.

this image breaks my heart

i long for a day that we all just live in peace

with one another

but let's be realistic

that day will never come

at least not on this earth

some people

just have it in for themselves,

mad

dear loaard.

we've all 

surely gone mad

500 texts later

i regret giving you my number .. 

there's a strange sort of comfort

in knowing that there is always someplace I can go where no one knows my name, my face or my story. 

somewhere people don't hold the first impression of me in their eyes, against me.

somewhere people won't notice my lack of usual done up "beauty"

somewhere i can embrace change with open arms

somewhere i can present myself, my hard shell from the hurt my past, aside

somewhere i don't blame anyone for being the way i am,

somewhere i intrigue every stranger i meet

somewhere i can release the familiar & embrace the new 

somewhere i can let my spontaneous side show, without mulling over the consequences

somewhere i can risk it all

somewhere i can mature as i please - creating myself endlessly 

somewhere i always will grow, always will love and always will hope. 

in my mind

- if I could control who enters my mind, at what time I would. 
but my mind is a road well traveled by you. you're always stranded in my mind. 

here

is where i could effortlessly rest my head & soul each & every night, alone. 
even the long, lonely nights would be bliss

would you

engage in what sometimes feels like the solipsistic soliloquy,  i call my life with me?

lips

ever since i had my first kiss, i've discovered my absolute love for full lips.

not that my first kiss had full lips unfortunately..but soon after..i discovered my mild obsession with them.

haha..that's putting it lightly; mild.

it's the first thing i notice, when meeting a boy. 

ugh.. just give me that full, wide bottom lip

darlin, who am I for ya. who am i, to ya?

some people say,

i let you walk all over me.
after giving that accusation some thought..i've come to the conclusion that.
subconsciously i'm making up for what i feel i've lacked in being since we've met.
some people may never understand where i'm coming from.
they simply don't know me. or my story.
& i'm quite content with that. 

dear angelica,

i felt like i could not fully describe to you how amazing you truly are ..without sounding a wee bit excessive, being it was our first time meeting. 
i very much look forward to talking with you more in the future, once you move here. 
you&your sister's hearts strongly resemble one another. it's a wonderful thing. 
your beautiful spirit about you, has no choice but to radiate to all those around you.
& greatly influenced your message this morning, in a truly incredible way. 
i just wanted you to know some of my thoughts. 
& it's a for sure thing, the more & more you're in my life, the more you will inspire & encourage me
if you are reading this for yourself, thank you. it's truly an honor that you've taken the time to explore my (almost) new found passion.
so thank you. & may your beautiful spirit be blessed. 

it's so easy

to believe what someone's saying, when it's exactly the words you want so badly to hear...

remèdes pour un bon hiver

aka: how to keep yourself warm

damn you, poor circulation..

1. stuff small blankets under every every; specifically door & window

2. keep a candle lit, after dark

3. drink Cammomile tea 20 minutes prior to escaping from the misery of winter

4. listen to folk, with incense burning

5. hang christmas lights on the headboard

6. keep the sheets freshly washed

7. just keep the room clean, for the sake of your sanity
& think of you. 

aloof

i'll fake my  disinterest to protect my vulnerability
& to take away from your obvious preponderance   

never ever will i

i simply shake my head in utter disbelief

i intentionally reminisce the summer of 2011

to remind myself, that the hands of time had no affect on the reality of life. my reality

the same may be for those around me, who's stories i hear

in no way, am i ever allowed to shake my head in disappointment

at foolish mistakes, made by them
if ever i do. the shame is on me. 

i refuse to be that hypocrite i once was; not long enough ago.  

you once told me,

restlessness comes at a great price to your heart.

why do you have hazel eyes..

i don't want to speak English, i want to
speak the world.
i adore hanging around with you&your
cousins..and your cousins wife! Oh her soon-to-be-mother glow is something that
can never be duplicated by any make-up or photo shopping . And even if the
music you record, is incredibly repetitive..i love it! i love your culture, your
language, your humor, your cousins voice when he sings & your hazel eyes
i could bask in it all for hours
please, be proud of who you are. a
Persian. because i'm honored to know you & your family.
& suddenly i have this strong
appreciation for those my conductor orchestrates to cross my path

addict

to change, 

it's a  never ending craving

for something unfamiliar

something new

somewhere where no one knows my face

my name, or my story

it's unlike me, to find this disgusting habit

appealing

even enticing

hey remember that time

when we decided to kiss everywhere but the mouth?

when it's gone,

mystery.
without it
there is no chase.

maybe that's why we're where we are today
you thought you'd seen all there was to see.
maybe you were terribly wrong

the wrench to latino dancers

caption on the newspaper : meet Valeria. she's from Ukraine.
scary how much they resemble one another, isn't it?
seeing her on this newspaper made me think of you.
which in turn reminded me of something i had wanted to do for quite some time, but never had a chance
so. in mystic java, . i sat. idle. & scrolled.
i had to write what stuck out to me, down.
this was the closest thing i could write on.
& this is what is written on it :
-that gaze, just like back in august..will still get me every time.
-oh my. i said so many things wrong to you..yet you put up with me..you pursued me..
- your flattery/honesty..call it what you want. came so easy then
- at one time, i was just a girl through your phone & an occasional gaze..
- my words were daggers
-your blog made me want to Tennessee you..so young,..so young
-remember when you "called" that night? you were so wrong. i hope you didn't mind.
-you placed ME on a pedestal..
-you were so convinced you had no chance..so, so wrong to assume m'dear..so in-confident. soo hypocritical
-you once told me, i reminded you of two women from your past combined "which is weird"
-we always agreed to disagree
-remember when i openly discussed your crazy days? no trace of judgement  
-remember when you would text me random, inappropriate lyrics? i do
-your childish honesty then, brings a smile to my face now even still
-first it was the chase,,, then the secrecy of it all. we were addicts of that rush 
-i was one big contradiction. 
-you once told me you didn't trust me. i hope you can now..
-our conversations make me laugh still, you were SUCH a boy..
-"some might say it was a for sure thing" - our relationship started out in such a bizarre way.. 
-you started over with me once already, i suppose we can't give it a second go?
-"with you, it is so easy"
-"like in Iguazu falls in South America, the negative ions make grown men giddy. That's what i feel with you!"
-remember when i left town, & you almost got arrested?
-our drunk conversations make me facepalm. ahahah
-my values once made me confident enough to intimidate you.
-show me your poetry you talked about so often..

-you once said; "that's why i love what's in your heart. it has so much love to give!"
-"i love you. i hope one day when you look back at this you will realize that this is true. whatever happens. i love you"
-remember when you said "if you ever need me, i will be here for you"? i do.
4.5 hours
3 tears
& 1 sore throat

but i just wanted you to know

i hope you know how lucky you are
you really are, the only exception
because no matter what you do
where you go, or who you're with..
(sure i'll ache from time to time
maybe even years to come
oh; but i think so so highly of you
you're not perfect - i know all too well)
i will care deeply for you unconditionally; always
to me, it feels so natural to look past the "bad & the ugly"
to see you're so perfectly human. & you don't try to be anything but.
you're real. a rare commodity  
it makes you truly beautiful. inside & out
i love that you are, & will be "that brown guy" in my life
it's beyond me, how or why
but all i know is
you're a part of me
even apart from me
always will be.
your place you hold in my heart can never be duplicated,
logically some would argue it's because you will always hold that part of me
that i can never again hold for my own
but i know it's beyond that
maybe this means i'm vulnerable. & unwise in telling you all this
but maybe..maybe i don't mind.
sometimes i can't completely make sense of it all, myself
so i don't expect you to understand,
or to care, quite frankly


but i just wanted you to know

i had a dream

you made my nightmare a reality

part-time believer,

we've run out of reasons

losing sight of what it's supposed to be

a part time believer to truth

somehow conceded

this sense of self evasive solitude

it means way too much to me

 

& i hope you know how lucky you are

oh, i remember sitting back on my balcony

i was a-listening to the Rolling Stones

see i was waiting for my dad to come home from work

so i could show him all the chords that i've learned

see i was under the impression i was gonna lead

some kind of simple understated life

but now i'm living in the shadows of a memory

& i hope so, man i hope so

it's been way too long

it seems that I can celebrate my meaning

for I am too young, too warm

or

not

iver,

it's tempting
big sweaters, long sleeves, scarves, wool socks, warm boots
.broadway.

everything in me wants to give in
& just hide it all under layer upon layer
it's all very tempting
but (un?)fortunately
i'm a gypsy at heart

marbles

"aw dude, not with the legs. i am not that flexible
aaaand i'm suffocating
why why why why
aaaand i'm upside down
aagain? seriously?
ahhh you're so sweaty
okay seriously? you just dripped on me
ugh. i'm so hungry
sweet. awesome. yeah this is great."


it made me laugh
&reminisce

you should see them

before they fade,

limbo,

i played limbo 

in that pride dining room,
in that breezy mexican dress

(i was probably the only white girl in sight,)

in complete paradise

& all i could think of
was you

you're always

just a click away,

sail,

i only made it in my mind,

maybe i should cry for help
maybe i should kill myself
maybe i'm a different breed
maybe i'm not listening

you inspire

http://www.kennethswitzer.com
a man i've always highly respected,
my thoughts & prayers are always with you
i hope one day you are paid tenfold for the sacrifices you've made
i remember before heading down to Bolivia, reading some of your blogposts, wishing i could some day be that creative & entertaining for so many people to see.
& being thankful that it was something you were passionate about
because i felt like i knew you already, even if we had never met before

all night

..you were on my mind

not my wine..

you

still fascinate me
even to this day

i miss you

little fella, you're growing up so fast

it seems like just yesterday that i held you carefully in my arms in that bright white hospital room
judah.. please don't forget me