i walk on

 

i'm a creature of simplicity

who wants nothing more

than to love and be loved

DWNTWN

i think tonight i'm going to just wing it,

we'll see where i end up

why don't you love me

in the quiet

  

my hobby became watching the goosebumps chase after my fingertips across your skin

two weeks

had you awoken next to me this morning, it would have gone a little something like this :

"stop. don't move. keep your eyes closed. what do you feel?"

"my amazing duvet"

"that too, but think a little harder. beyond this bed. do you feel it? it's spring, it's on it's way, i can feel it."

"you can feel it without even opening your eyes?"

"i felt it long before i awoke; in my dreams"

 

Mourning & Melancholia (1917)

     "Reality-testing has shown that the loved object no longer exists, and it proceeds to demand that all libido shall be withdrawn from its attachments to that object. This demand arouses understandable opposition—it is a matter of general observation that people never willingly abandon a libidinal position, not even, indeed, when a substitute is already beckoning to them. This opposition can be so intense that a turning away from reality takes place and a clinging to the object through the medium of a hallucinatory wishful psychosis. Normally, respect for reality gains the day. Nevertheless its orders cannot be obeyed at once. They are carried out bit by bit, at great expense of time and cathectic energy, and in the meantime the existence of the lost object is psychically prolonged. Each single one of the memories and expectations in which the libido is bound to the object is brought up and hyper-cathected, and detachment of the libido is accomplished in respect of it. Why this compromise by which the command of reality is carried out piecemeal should be so extraordinarily painful is not at all easy to explain in terms of economics. It is remarkable that this painful unpleasure is taken as a matter of course by us. The fact is, however, that when the work of mourning is completed the ego becomes free and uninhibited again.
     Let us now apply to melancholia what we have learnt about mourning. In one set of cases it is evident that melancholia too may be the reaction to the loss of a loved object. Where the exciting causes are different one can recognize that there is a loss of a more ideal kind. The object has not perhaps actually died, but has been lost as an object of love (e.g. in the case of a betrothed girl who has been jilted). In yet other cases one feels justified in maintaining the belief that a loss of this kind has occurred, but one cannot see clearly what it is that has been lost, and it is all the more reasonable to suppose that the patient cannot consciously perceive what he has lost either. This, indeed, might be so even if the patient is aware of the loss which has given rise to his melancholia, but only in the sense that he knows whom he has lost but not what he has lost in him."

- Sigmund Freud 

maturity

is my cleverly crafted weapon of choice.